This is a different kind of post, a post of frustration for a change - I have already come to terms that I cannot win whatever I do but I am done trying to win - I am just doing me. I have come to 100% acceptance of who I am and only God and I know who that truly is.
What I mean (in preparation for this rant) I am so sick of people telling me who to be according to outwards appearance. If you have read any of my blog you can tell that 'Kaycey's culture' is about literally everything I am interested in and that includes the languages I learn and the countries I read about and cultures that I investigate. I try not to discriminate - I am interested in the world outside of each one of our front doors! I am a world person - and like to travel - I would go everywhere if it was up to me.
This all came from a conversation that I had today with two of my close friends (whom I love loads and will be traveling with this summer). We spoke about racism we may face when going to this certain country (two of us going are Asian and two of us are black) and racism in general. Quite a lot of emotion was brought out because of the unfairness and superficiality and ignorance and arrogance people from all over the world have to encounter; the constant stereotyping, prejudice and discrimination - just because of such a measly thing - because of our race. Races being different, which should be such a small irrelevant thing has become such a big thing in such a negative light because of this thing called racism. We're bloody made different for a reason - everyone is beautiful and special in different ways for a reason!- and I have never been able to understand how one race could be more valuable, more powerful and more high up in some sort of weird stupid hierarchy - what is the reason?!
I spoke to my friends about my experience of people always judging me because of my apparent personality and hobbies - "Are you even black?" "Why are you trying to be White / Asian / not be black". Just because I take an interest in languages and cultures people think I want to change my race. It is so annoying I am not defined or boxed in by my race. Under the skin we all look so similar! I am in love with Spain and Latin America EVIDENTLY but people only take notice of me learning an Asian language and because of that apparently I only like Asian guys too?! If anything I would want to be Latina (my love for Shakira is too deep) but I am happy being me! If I find someone attractive it is not because of their race - it is their everything. My own family hint at me how I am not black enough? What does that mean; no one has actually explained that to me?
Are they are hinting at stereotypes like me not wanting to smoke 'ganja' or go to bashment parties, or my inability to cook certain dishes, do certain hairstyles, dance certain dances? My friend in response to this said "There is more to being black than a few Caribbean stereotypes". I still don't get it! Please tell me how I could have 'interacted with my race' properly.
It is hard enough living in such a multicultural country. I was born
and brought up here but I always get "yeah you are from London...but where
are you
FROM?!"
I just act according to my heart and not what is expected. I genuinely like a mix. I have friends from all over the world and I don't choose them as my friend because of where they are from - if we get on and have similar interests then bam! - friendship formed. I have an international heart. In my course people from the UK tend to hang out with each other and there is a little bit of segregation as the international students hang out together. But why is it like that? I was even mistaken as an international student several times because of me hanging out with the internationals.
To be honest, it is nonsense. I have friends from South America, Bulgaria, China, South Korea, Indonesia, Nepal, France, Hong Kong, South Africa, Ghana, Nigeria, Portugal, Brazil, Italy, Vietnam, Sri Lanka, Pakistan, Guyana, Jamaica, Eritrea, Morocco, India, England and all over the world. Why is it every time I might take an interest in their culture I am suddenly 'trying to get away' from my heritage?
I admitted to them there have been times when I have found 'being black' tough but mainly due to my own insecurities. Whenever I'd go on holiday I would get darker and because of comments like "Wow! You are dark" said in such a negative way I hated going outside in summer in fear of becoming darker. How stupid and sad that is! My friend said in response to this 'The darker the berry the sweeter the juice'. Black people also compare their skin tones amongst themselves (and other races also do this aswell). 'Lighties' 'teamdarkskin' all of that. In my head from when I was young I was confused if being such a colour was such a bad thing. It is a thing with so many people that 'hair is beauty' - mines is a very tough short coily curly mess of an afro thing that I do not maintain well and does not grow so easily. India Arie wrote a song about all of this "I am not my hair, I am not my skin; I am a soul that lives within". "
Dont judge me based my hair or my skin color but on who I am inside".
I mentioned to some friends how I have not in recent years had a black guy approach me (no I am not talking about those 40 year old uncles - I mean black guys in the same age category) and they told me that I was lying (because of a certain 'black' apparently attractive feature I might possess lol). Guys have their random preferences so I am not going to appeal to everyone and that is fair - but it was unfair to say that I filtered out black guys because of my apparent preferences. IT IS TOTALLY NOT LIKE THAT!
If I put on reggae or hip-hop or RnB it goes ignored. The second the language changes suddenly I hate being black? If I like a black guy no one cares. The second I mention liking a guy who is Asian for example "Yeah you like your Asian boys don't you!" I want to travel the WORLD instead of always going to the same Caribbean countries (which I love btw). Oh, suddenly now I hate and am ashamed of Jamaica? I made jerk chicken earlier this week and all I get is "oh what happened to the Asian food". Just because I like a mix.
God made us all in his perfect image, but some certain humans intervened and created the 'desired image' and so came the 'white supremacy'. This isn't a race rant or a history rant, this is a me rant so I will leave that part right there but remember 'WE ARE ALL AFRICAN' - WAKA WAKA (Shakira love too deep).
People from all different races are different and sooo soo beautiful regardless; however, society's flaws created so much of this racism crap. At the end of the day, I (finally) love who I am and am comfortable with myself. I hope for anyone who feels like they 'do not belong' that they remember that they do and are so important - so put spoons on your eyes and 'umm block out the haters'
